101 Things to do in 1001 Days

This update has been a long time coming, and I've been slowly plugging away at my goals. The clock is slowly slipping by, like sand through an hour glass, and I sometimes stop and wonder if I will succeed or if I will fail. Many of these goals aren't life-defining or earth-moving in and of themselves, but I think it's what these goals represent that counts. Namely, the ability to know that I am not all talk. The ability to look back on my year, or on the past 1001 days, and think "I grew. I learned. I changed. I became." It is so important to me to never be stagnant or complacent, but to always be striving to live my life to the fullest. So, my 101 Things to do in 1001 Days update. I haven't looked at these recently, so hopefully I'll find that I have actually accomplished something since my last update. If not, I will have to kick my own butt into gear.

1) Learn to crochet and complete at least five projects. This definitely isn't done, but I've made about one tenth of what is to be a massive blanket. I also plan on making little hats for the baby girls of two of my cousins. I'd make one for my Sweet Baboo, but he'd just rip it off. I'm looking for an ear flap hat for him that buckles under the chin, because that's the only kind I'll be able to keep on his stubborn little head.

2) Make an alphabet book for Baboo for his first birthday present. Yeah, fail. Here's what happened. I was going to make him the book, but then I figured I should probably wait until after his birthday so I could include photos from his birthday. And now it's October and I've decided that I'm going to scatch the alphabet book idea for now, and instead make him a board book from Photo Works, with pictures of him doing his favourite things. I've already put it together and just need to order it. I think I'll save the alphabet book for his second birthday, because the alphabet template can't be ordered in board book form, and he would just end up ripping it apart. So even though I didn't technically complete this goal, things change. Roll with it. I still think I deserve to check this off my list.

3) Collect and Perfect 10 new recipes. I'm up to 9! Thanksgiving pumpkin muffins and peppercorn lime chicken helped with that. Hopefully by Christmas I'll be able to add Grand Marnier Chocolate Mousse to the list, and then cross number 3 off entirely.

5) Do a photoshoot of Baboo every month until he's a year old. Done and done. Now I just need to find a frame that fits 12 photos and I can display it prominently on our wall.

9) Get a massage. As previously mentioned in a recent post, my first appointment with a massage therapist is scheduled for next Wednesday, and hopefully it'll be a weekly thing. I can't wait until I can return to feeling like a 20-something, rather than an old lady. That kid sure did a number on me while he was living on my sciatic nerve for 9 months.

12) Make Baboo a texture book. I did this! We are going on a little trip to visit the in-laws (which I am kind of dreading) later this month, and I have been planning ways to keep Baboo occupied on the four hour plane ride. This seems like as good a time as any to make him a texture book, so I am working on it, and it's almost done. Honestly, it's not the greatest, and I'd be surprised if it makes it through the entire plane ride there. Turns out I'm not as crafty as I'd like to believe. But I made it, and I guess that's what counts. I'll post a picture of it later.

19) Read ten books. Done and done. In no particular order: SAHM I Am, The Sounds of Us, Expectations, Novel About My Wife, The Other Woman, Going it Alone, The Wild Zone, The No Cry Sleep Solution, The Bag Lady Chronicles, A Million Miles in A Thousand Years.

88) Okay, so I am supposed to be moving my blog to wordpress. I am not going to do this anymore, and here's why. 1) It's too much of a pain in the butt. 2) Blogger now has all the things wordpress had that made me want to move. It now has the ability to add pages, and check stats, etc. So there's no reason to move. Also, I think I wanted to move back when I had illusions of actually being a popular mom blogger. Now that I realize that that isn't going to happen, and also don't care because I have more important goals than trying to get people to read my blog, I just can't be bothered. No offense to you guys or anything, I'm beyond thrilled that someone at least reads this thing. It's just that I've realized that I don't have it in me to be a real mom blogger. I don't have it in me to host giveaways, advertise, market myself, track down sponsors, etc, etc. I've always been a journaler, for as long as I can remember, and blogging is just so much easier than trying to write with a pen and paper when you have a toddler who tries to grab everything and anything out of your hands. I love having this place as an outlet, and having the ability to keep track of my goals and the happenings of my life here. But I guess I just got over my desire to be popular. I wasn't popular in elementary school, nor was I popular in high school, and I don't expect that to change on the internet. LoL. I will, however, be replacing goal 88 with something else. I just need to think of what it will be.

That's all for today! Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a comment sharing the goals you've accomplished over the past year or what you hope to accomplish during the next!

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School Years Resolutions

I read somewhere that when it comes to resolutions, Fall is the best time of year to make them. Apparently it has something to do with being inspired by the changing of the leaves. If you're a student, and/or have kids, then scheduling other changes during the natural change of going back to school is supposed to make goals easier to accomplish. I can definitely say that I am NOT inspired by the blah feelings that come with the end of the Christmas season, and 3 or 4 more months of wet, cold winter stretching out in front of me in January. I made some resolutions in September, but slacker that I am, I didn't blog about them until now. You might think that doesn't bode well for me actually keeping them, haha. I'm just going to say that I've been so busy trying to live my resolutions, that I haven't had a chance to blog about them. *wink wink*

One thing my life definitely needs is a handful of good friends. I've written here and there about attending a moms group in the past, but to be 100% honest with you, I just never felt like I gelled with the other women there. I felt like we were "friends" simply because we all have kids and stay home, and that was it. Of course, some of the other women bonded and were really close and that's great for them.

I mean no disrespect if you're this kind of Mama, but I personally have no interest in discussing my hair, or my nails, or whether my husband is doing a good job at being the leader of my home. Honestly, I mean no disrespect at all, but that's just not me. I'm the mom wearing yoga pants around all day without shame (I secretly can't wait to get my yoga instructor's certification so that I can have the excuse). I'm not the mom who sleep trained at 6 months (or ever) and has been getting beauty sleep for over a year now. I'm the crunchy, granola, Earth-Mama type who would have absolutely no issue having all her kids and the family pet in bed together if they made mattresses big enough. Just nothing in common, you know? I felt like I couldn't be related to, so I just stopped going. One of my goals for this school-year is to make a couple of good
friends.

Another goal is to do something about my back pain. I've had back issues since high school required that I keep a small library on my back at all times, but it's been really bad since carrying a kid on my sciatic nerve for 9 months. It took a full year after delivery for my hips to stop feeling like they were separating from my body whenever I walked, but my back is still a mess. I've decided that this year, I need to make my health a priority. I'm twenty-five years old, I should not be taking 3 extra strength Tylenols every night before bed until I've at least achieved Grandmother status.

I've made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning, and though I think it will just be a consultation, I'm excited about working out a treatment plan that will hopefully include chiropractic and massage. I'm going to need it if that fat kid still insists on me carrying him around several times a day. I kid. He's not fat. He actually has no fat on him whatsoever, and I'm honestly a little jealous. He is pure muscle, so still heavy--when we aren't calling him "Baboo", his nickname is Bam Bam.

I have also been working quite a bit on secret goal number 32, from my list of 101 Things to do in 1001 Days. I'm still not ready to reveal it, lest I die from embarassment, but I'm aiming for completion somewhere around January 2011. Go me!

Another thing I really want to do this year is go to counselling. I've been having a lot of anger issues come up lately, when I think about my childhood. I think they're resurfacing because of everything that's going on with my parents. I don't feel like getting into my frustrations right now, but I feel like I need to let go of those feelings and work through those issues while my Sweet Baboo is still a baby. I want to make sure I can be the best mom possible for him, and that I won't be repeating a cycle of emotionally damaging  my kiddo(s) because I still have unresolved crappy feelings inside.

Lastly, I want to bring focus back to my relationship with the Hubbs. I feel like its just being pushed into the margins at all times. He does schoolwork all day, then he comes home and plays with our son, and then when our kid finally goes to sleep we have a little bit of time to ourselves. I've written before about trying to leave Baboo with people other than family, and it just NOT going well (ie, them calling us after half an hour because he screamed hysterically the entire time). Well, on Friday we decided we'd try it again. We left him at a child care program at the community centre, and he had a blast. We got some time to ourselves, and he played with the other kids and the teachers and didn't shed one tear the entire hour we were gone. I'm so relieved, and now we plan to have a standing date, at least twice a month, where we leave Baboo at the community centre (its a day program, but the perks of having a student hubby are that he's sometimes available during the day) and have a date. We'll just do lunch, take a walk, see a movie, or just come back home for "alone time" (bow chicka bow wow), but it will be glorious.

I'll keep you posted on my progress, and I know there's a MUCH overdue update needed on my 101 in 1001 goals. More on that later.

What are some things you hope to accomplish in the next year? Any tips to share on staying motivated?

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Evolution of a Dream

Yesterday I sat in a cramped school hallway, painted pea-soup green. My hands gripped the arms of a faux leather chair, and I smoothed and re-smoothed my hair, my clothes, and the piece of paper that was my job references. A fluorescent light flickered above my head, and a fly buzzed lazily around a pile of cardboard boxes. I prayed because I wanted the job. I told God this was my dream.

Compared to what I pictured myself doing when I was younger, this dream seems small. I think most people would squint and wonder why I would want to do this. Why I would want to while away my days here. And the truth is, I guess I wasn't being entirely honest with the Man Upstairs when I told him that this was my dream job. It was more that this school program, run by this popular not-for-profit organization, was my chance. My foot-in-the-door to bigger and better things in the not-for-profit world. This organization has so many different areas that I could work in. If I ever got bored or burned out on one, there would always be something new to do. From early childhood education, to teaching, to career counselling, to parent support workshops, from recreation to group homes to working with the differently-abled. It's a not-for-profit employee's dream. It's my dream. Still, I wondered what brought me here, to this place, where I was crossing my fingers and whispering silent prayers that they would choose me.

The first thing I wanted to be when I grew up was an actress. I wanted to be on TV, because even though movie stars got all the glory, I knew, even at the age of 10, that I wanted to play one character for years. I wanted to figure out and become that person. I wanted a chance to really get to know them.

The next thing I thought about being was a writer. I loved writing. Fiction, essays, opinion pieces, poems, even song lyrics. I rocked English class from the age of twelve on, and of course, loved the idea of creating a character. I felt that I was building a person. The thing that, once again, appealed to me most about writing, was conveying a personal truth--either through creating a fictional character that was as real to me as I was, getting my own thoughts on paper in a way that made them make sense to others, or writing a poem or song about how I felt about something or someone. It was about connecting, about drawing out my inner life (or the inner-life of some imagined person) and making sense of it.

Enter high school. I took a mandatory career studies class in my second year of high school. We had to do a series of assessments to find out what jobs we'd be best suited for, and I was matched with Child and Youth Worker. I hadn't even known that that was a job, but it made perfect sense to me. I would counsel children and youth. I loved children. I'd been baby-sitting since sixth grade, and always preferred to spend my Sunday mornings at church helping out in the nursery rather than attending Sunday school myself. I liked kids. I liked getting inside people's heads. I cared about social issues. I would help kids by getting inside their heads and helping them overcome their issues.

That summer I went away to camp, and we had a speaker who talked about all of this inner-city work that he did. He invited us to come for a few weeks later that summer and work in inner-city Toronto with at-risk youth. I immediately knew that I needed to be there.There were no ifs, ands or butts. I had to go. And I did. And it was everything I thought it would be, and more. It was as though everything inside me, my past, my future, everything, just came into focus and clicked. I wanted to spend my life on the mean streets, handing out sandwiches, talking to people about their futures, encouraging them and helping them find necessary services.

I even went to college for a program geared towards preparing people to work with the high-risk population in the inner city. I was dismayed to find out that since only 6 people registered for the program, by the end of my first year, it was cancelled. However, now I am so thankful that that happened. I transferred into the counselling program, which allowed for a much wider range of what I'm able to do. I can basically do anything that requires working with and helping people, and I'm not limited to the inner city, which is a good thing.

Let me tell you something that I'm not necessarily proud of:

I don't want to work in the inner-city anymore. And you know what did it? Living here. It's one thing to come down from a comfy suburb and hand out sandwiches and talk to colourful people (something I did all through high school and college). It's another thing entirely to live among them. To listen to their domestic disputes and hope they don't taint your child. To deal with the fact that they care so little about their own community that they would literally rather chuck their garbage all over the nature conservation area, than walk ten feet to a trash can. To step around the broken glass bottles all over the side walk, the thudding music through the night on the weekends, and the fact that no schools anywhere around here have any playground equipment for my son to play on.

I don't like these people. I don't. I'm not going to lump them all into one group, because I know that there are obviously exceptions to what I see and observe. I know that in this neighbourhood there are probably a lot of good parents. I know there are probably a lot of people who don't litter, who don't blare their music, and who don't beat their spouses. But the ones who do overshadow the ones who don't. I don't want to live here and I don't want to work here. I'm done. Especially because I have a child now to think about.

So. That leads me to where I am now. My current dream. Community Services Worker of some kind. I will not be approaching people on the streets to tell them about help they can receive. I will not be going to their shelters or offering them blankets as they sleep on sidewalks. I will work with the people who care enough to want to better their lives. The people who care enough that they come to me. I want to work with parents who want to better their relationship with their children, not those who were ordered to by the courts. I want to work with kids who want to get ahead, not those who have to choose community service or juvie.

I've been poor. I've been desperate. I've been damn-near hopeless. And I think that experience has made me see that there is help available. Everyone has a choice about what kind of life they're going to live. Anyone can get an education. Anyone can get counselling. Anyone can get emergency housing. For every problem (at least in Canada), there is a service. You just have to find it. I want to work with the people who care enough about themselves to seek out help. Those are the people who will ultimately succeed.

That's my dream.

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Working mom?

I have started looking for a job.

Before I had kids, I couldn't imagine leaving them to go to work until they were in school. I thought it would be incredibly difficult and not something at all that I wanted to do. When my Sweet Baboo was born, I thought I'd stay home until he was three. As the first year went by, I thought, maybe two. Not that I wanted to leave him, but I worked hard for my degree and I don't want it to become obselete because I got it, then stayed home for several years, thus not keeping up to date in my field. My son turns one in less than two weeks, and I am looking for a job.

The main reason for this is the economy. I may not want to go back to work for another year, but if I start looking in a year, it could be another year, or even two, before I find anything. That would just be no good. The idea that I could be back in the workforce, with my kid in day care in a matter of weeks terrifies and exhilirates me. I love my kid (as all moms do), but honestly, I'm getting bored. I really think he could use more interaction than a few play groups can provide, and I could use some adult friends to spend my days with.

Also, I'm not going to lie to you, I am so over being poor. So over it. I am so over living across the hall from the Trashertons: A woman, her ex husband, her current boyfriend, and their assortment of children. You can just imagine the drama that emanates from that apartment. I don't want to deal with it, and I don't want my son to have to deal with it as he gets more aware. I am over this neighbourhood. I'm over the gang signs everywhere, being afraid when The Hubbs has a late class, the fact that none of the schools around here have playgrounds and there are signs on power poles advertising support groups for prostitutes. Over it. So over it. If we end up living here when Baboo starts school, I don't know what I will do. We need to get out of this school district and away from these people.

I want to move. We can't afford that unless I get a job. I don't need a big house, expensive cars, a designer wardrobe, or any of that. But I would like a house. Any house. Preferably in a neighbourhood that gangs haven't claimed and where I can walk down the street with my camera around my neck without fear of getting mugged. I'd like to live in a neighbourhood where I can take my son to a school playground that is more than just a plot of grass and a slab of pavement littered with broken glass.

I want my family to be safe, happy, and at peace. I'm aware that it might take a long time to find a job. Just the thought of how long some of my acquaintances have been looking for work almost makes me want to admit defeat before I even get started. It's funny how anxious just the act of sending out resumes and writing cover letters makes me. It's almost as if I've already forgotten that my goal is to have a job somewhere between now and a year from now, that it's not an absolute emergency. I just need to chill. Chill and have faith. It will all work out.

It always does.

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Momversation Monday: Life List

This momversation is about life lists.



I already have my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days posted on the side-bar of this blog, and it's been fun doing it and also kind of cool that when I think of putting something off, I can say "but I have to do it, it's on my list." It gives me an excuse to be a little indulgent and selfish, and make some of the little and big things that are important to me a priority. The idea of a life list, however, is a lot more intimidating. Maybe its because the fact that I have the rest of my life to complete these tasks means I'm more likely to put them off and never do them. Maybe its because the things on my life list would all be big things, as opposed to be 101 things list, which is comprised of both the silly and the significant. Instead of just listing off the things that I want to accomplish in my life, my life list is more of a set of ideals. It answers the question, "What are the most important things in my life?" Another way of phrasing it would be, if I look back on my life in 60 years, what do I want to remember having done?

My Five Big Things:
(in no particular order)

-Family
-Travel
-Professional Fulfillment
-Art & Growth
-Security

So how does this translate into a list?

Under family, I would say my goals were to get married and have children, as well as to add to my family by fostering close friendships. I am a firm believer in the idea that you choose your family even more than you're born into one. I have the husband and I have the baby, I have friends that are close enough that I'd consider them relatives, so as I go through life I just want to make sure that I continue to make these relationships a priority and really strive to make them work. I want to be close to my husband and son, always.

As far as travel goes, I have a list of places that I definitely want to experience. That list includes:
-Greece
-Hawaii
-New York (I went on music tour but the trip was too short. I want to go again and experience all of it)
-South America
-The Maritimes
There are a lot of other places too, but these are my top 5 (apparently five is a theme for me).

Professional Fulfillment: I want to start my career in a field that helps people, and I want to move around in that field until I find my niche. I also have other professional goals, which are also personal goals because they are things that could end up being business endeavors but could also be just for me. I'll talk about those under. . .

Art and Growth:
It's important to me to always be learning and growing and furthering myself as a human being. Some of the goals I was referring to above include becoming a better photographer. I do not necessarily need to become a professional--in fact, the more I learn about photography and the drudgery of editing, the less I want to do it for anything more than personal enjoyment. I do want to take a class someday, and I would love to have photos published. I want to be a professional quality photographer without actually having it be my job.

I also want to pursue writing. I have always wanted to have something published, and that is on my life list. Other goals include becoming a certified yoga instructor and getting my doula certification to assist women in childbirth.

Security:
Security to me means having put down roots, as well as having an investment in our future. In short, I want us to have a home of our own one day, and I want to save up enough money to retire comfortably. I want to be able to bless my kid(s) with a good education and a contribution towards their wedding or home, and I want to be able to help send my grandkids to college.

These are my Big Five. What's on your list?

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101/1001 Update

So far I've achieved two of my goals, and am making progress on a few others. I made a Christmas Star, and it's now hanging proudly in our living room.

I also made and ordered a photo book of my pregnancy and Boo's newborn pictures from shutterfly. I can't wait for it to arrive!

As for the other goals, I bought yarn and crochet hooks and looked up crocheting instructions online, and I've completed two rows. . .when I got to the third row, though, I started having problems, so I'll have to look up those directions again and hopefully figure out where I'm going wrong.

I've also bought a few more books for my kiddo over the past couple days, although in order to have a bookshelf full of books for him, we are going to have to actually buy him a bookshelf.

I signed Boo up for breakfast with Santa, which will be next Saturday, and talks for visiting with friends from out of town are in the works.

I guess I am just afraid that I will start off with enthusiasm, and then lose momentum. Hopefully keeping a running tab on here will help me to stay focused. It will be a huge deal for me if I manage to complete this list. It will prove something important to myself (something I can't quite manage to put into words).

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101 Things to do in 1001 days

I have decided to hijack this idea of doing 101 Things in 1001 days. My biggest fear in life (besides something happening to my family) is being one of those people who is all talk. I want to have goals and complete them, and I find making to-do lists so satisfying. It's great to be able to cross items off and know that I have actually accomplished something, even if its just making something for dinner or remembering to pick something up at the store. These goals will help me to refine my character, hopefully, and take steps towards becoming the kind of person and role model I want to be for my son. I also want to show him this list, one day, with check marks beside each item. I hope it will inspire him.

The List:
1)Learn to crochet and complete at least 5 projects
2)Make an alphabet book for Baboo for his first birthday present
3)Collect and perfect (or create) 10 new recipes (6/10)
4)Make at least one DVD every 6 months of Baboo's life (1/5)
5)Do a photoshoot of Baboo every month until he's a year old (5/12)
6)Get professional family photos taken
7)Take first family vacation (Hubbs, Baboo and I)
8) Take a yoga class
9) Get a massage
10) Enroll Baboo in swimming lessons
11)Finish my psych degree
12) Make Baboo a texture book
13) Make a Christmas Star
14) Learn to sew at least well enough to patch something or re-attach a button
15) Take Baboo to see Santa
16) Open an Registered Education Saving Plan for Baboo
17) Open an RRSP
18) Get life insurance for Baboo (because if he develops an illness later in life he could become uninsurable, so getting it while he's a baby will ensure that he and the future family he may have will always be protected)
19) Read ten books (1/10)
20) Go to a film festival
21) See a live music performance
22) Breastfeed Baboo until the end of flu season (March 2010)
23) Take Baboo to the beach and let him feel the sand
24) Visit with friends from out of town
25) Make a charitable donation in my son's name
26) Take Baboo camping
27) Visit with family from out of town
28) Make or bake Christmas gifts
29) Make Christmas ornaments with Baboo
30) Join a Mom's group
31) Secret goal number thirty-one, which is so embarrassing that I will reveal it only after it is completed
32) Spend a night away with the Hubbs (sans Baboo)
33) Refinish a piece of furniture
34) Make a piece of jewelry
35) Write a petition
36) Write my m.p. about an issue that is important to me
37) Get Baboo a lovey
38) Pay off visa
39) Pay off personal debt
40) Learn to do one winter activity with Baboo (ice skating, snow shoeing, skiing, etc)
41) Publish something (anything)
42) Do the 365 photo challenge, starting January 1 2010
43) Make some art for Baboo's room
44) Try hot buttered rum
45) Plan a 1st birthday party for Baboo
46) Make friends with at least one other couple with kids
47) Open an on-line shop
48) Make a ringsling
49) Take Baboo to the zoo
50) Take Baboo to at least 3 Early Years Programs
51) Take Baboo to Niagara Falls
52) Go shopping in the U.S. and Take advantage of Target
53) Make a photobook or album of my pregnancy photos
54) Make an artsy photo wall in our house
55) Do a cast, ink print or painting of Baboo's hand or foot prints
56) Try holiday drinks at Starbucks besides the Peppermint Mocha
57) Take Baboo to Ontario Place
58) Buy Baboo musical instruments
59) Take Baboo out on a sled in the snow
60) Get a Library Card
61) Eat at a new Resturaunt
62) Fill out Baboo's Baby Book
63) Make a blanket out of Baboo's newborn clothes
64) Attend husband's Graduation
65) Do something to celebrate my Graduation
66) Subscribe to Chatelaine for a year
67) Aquire membership to print your own childrens book club
68) Put up pictures in our house
69) Make own Babyfood
70) Watch It's A Wonderful Life
71) Read Dante's Inferno
72) Read Donald Miller's A Million Miles In A Thousand Years
73) Read I Was Teenaged Katimavictim
74) Do Want, Need, Wear, Read one Christmas
75) Buy Putomayo CD
76) Go to the movies with Hubbs at least once
77) Finish "Are You Talking to Me" devotional
78) Attend church an average of once a month (1/33 times in 1001 days)
79) Shop at a Farmers Market
80) Give up something for Lent
81) Learn to play 10 kids songs on the recorder (5/10)
82) Learn to play 10 kids songs on the guitar (0/10)
83) Make a list of 100 reasons why I love my baby
84) Make a list of 100 reasons why I love my husband
85) Make a list of 100 things to be grateful for
86) Make a list of 100 things I like about myself
87) Buy a bottle of the perfume I wore on my wedding day, but don't own, because I forgot mine and had to borrow a friend's
88) Move blog to wordpress
89) Write a poem for Baboo
90) Write a story for Baboo
91) Get a part-time, seasonal or contract job to make extra money
92) Stick to Til Deb Do Us Part Budget for at least 6 months
93) Get will and guardianship papers notarized
94) Baby-proof the apartment
95) Buy a new camera
96) Do a painting on canvas
97) Fill a bookshelf with books for my son
98) Put together emergency kit for the car and house
99) Play games as family once a month (1/33)
100) Finish Baboo's Nursery (!)
101) Take a class for something I am interested in (glass-blowing, pottery, cooking, spanish, etc).

Wish Me Luck!

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First Date: Take Two

I blogged here about how on our anniversary, we were supposed to go on a date, and then it kinda fell through because we had no one reliable and safe to watch Our Sweet Baboo. Well, last week our date night finally happened, and the fact that it has taken me this long to write about it should tell you something lol.

Our far too ambitious plan was "alone time", then lunch at The Keg, then a movie. Only by the time my mom came to pick up our son (my grandma was baby-sitting with her, so we didn't have to worry), we were starving.  We decided to change things around. First lunch, then alone time, then movie. We would go to lunch around the corner from our house, then swing home, and then see Where The Wild Things Are in my mom's neighbourhood so as soon as it was over we could go collect Baboo. But when we got to the Keg (all dressed up, freshly showered, miraculously shaven and wearing cologne/perfume), they were closed. CLOSED! Apparently they are only open after 5 pm? Who can afford not to cater to the lunch crowd in this economy!?

So we needed some time to figure out what to do, and decided that we'd use that time to get some Christmas shopping done. So we went to a nearby store and persued our options, while looking for Christmas PJs for Baboo, which we didn't find, by the way. We did however find a Baby's First Christmas ornament and a nativity scene. . .and I picked up a pamphlet on breakfast with Santa, which we'll be taking our son to instead of an overcrowded, swine-fluey mall to get his Santa pictures taken. But I digress. (Which is kind of an indication of how our date went.)

So, we decided we'd try The Keg over in my mom's neighbourhood, then go to the movie, then we'd pick up Our Baboo, put him to sleep and then have alone time over a bottle of champagne. (Canadian champagne--we are not Rockerfellers). Only The Keg by my mom's house wasn't open either. Sigh. So we wound up at--wait for it--Applebees. Nice, huh? We did however each get an appetizer, an entree and a dessert for $14, so it wasn't a total loss, right? Right???

We enjoyed lunch, though halfway through I did need to make a rule that we wouldn't talk about the baby anymore. Or how much we missed him. And that rule went into effect right after I called my mom to make sure he was okay.

Then we went to the movie theatre, all set to see Where The Wild Things Are (hot, I know). But it wasn't showing until 6:40, and Baboo gets really cranky and needs to be physically attached to me from the hours of 5:30 pm on. Nothing remotely interesting was playing any time soon, so we decided to hang out at the mall instead. Like teenagers. And I don't think I need to tell you that we spent a large chunk of that time in Mastermind Toys, looking for Christmas presents for our Baboo. Then we nipped into the Dollar store, where I picked up some table cloths to use as photography backdrops for when I photograph Baboo.  .  .I think you see where this is going. We spent the entire day talking about/shopping for our baby, who we missed, and who might as well have come with us since we wound up at Applebees and didn't see a movie.

(Backdrop in Effect!)

We went to pick him up, and my father was holding him, which really upset me. I have no idea why he's always hanging around the house when they're supposed to be separated? My mom gave Baboo to him to hold because she said he was shrieking and she couldn't walk him around anymore because of her back, and neither could my grandma because, well, she's 82. My mom was upstairs lying on her massage bed when we got there because her back was killing her, so my father was essentially left alone with my son, which is a huge no-no. Had I known he would be there, we probably would have cancelled the whole thing.

Then we came home, and Baboo was super clingy because he'd just been away from us for 6 hours, which is the longest amount of time I've been separated from him in his life. So our alone time didn't happen. Plus, he cried the whole way home and we didn't have the heart to stop for champagne when he was upset.


So here is what I have concluded:

1) We are happier doing things as a family.
2) We aren't going on any more dates until we can find a baby-sitter who is in good health and can be trusted.
3) When we do leave him, we are going to be back by The Witching Hour because I hate the idea of him screaming and me not being there. Especially since all I have to do to get him to stop is hold him. No one else can do that.

Sigh.
So our next big goal is to find a baby-sitter.
And get them to ban smoking in condos/apartments/etc.
And finish my schoolwork/write my exam.
And make mom friends.
Progress reports on all of the above to follow.

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Songs for my Son

I added a playlist of music that reminds me of my kiddo on here. I sing a few of these songs to him every day. They all either have to do with parenthood, or have a message that I want him to know. Obviously he's too young to understand lyrics, but hopefully he hears the love behind them and as an adult will remember the list of songs his mother always sang to him.

I love to sing. I used to dream of being a successful singer/songwriter. Now I just want to be able to put a pen to paper, pick up my guitar and write something I can do at an open mic night at a coffeehouse somewhere. I feel like its important that as a wife and mom, I don't lose myself. However, there are so many goals that I have that I'm nowhere even close to realizing.

I feel like a lot my life has involved making trade-offs--one thing for another. Clearly, I can't have everything. I remember that I used to be so certain that I could do it all. And in a way I still think that I can--just not all at once. For instance, today I was looking at the baby photos of a photographer who uses one of the same message boards as me. As much as it pains me to admit that I'm green with envy, I can't help it. I really love photography, have been dabbling in it for over ten years, but I have never had that extra push to make something happen. I would love to take a photography class. In high school photography was always full and I couldn't get in. My small Christian liberal arts college didn't have a class. Of course I could always take a class elsewhere on the side, but school is expensive, and I should probably finish my formal education before pursuing my other interests on the side. See what I mean about trade offs? School leads to career, so that's important. But all my other interests (and there are a lot of them) have taken a back seat. In addition to photography, there is cooking, sewing, creative writing, yoga. . .and throughout my pregnancy I developed an interest in becoming a doula.

In my mind, this would be the perfect job for me. The flexible schedule and the fact that I'd be working for myself would allow me to make money, contribute in a way that's important while doing something I enjoy, and still have time for my family. Of course, I dont have time to get certified right now, but there'll be time for that later, right? Right???

My creative writing sits unread in countless journals on my shelves, and about once every two years I send something to a publisher--it inevitably comes back rejected. I can't sew well enough to replace a button, and though I know my way around a kitchen I want to be great. I want to make croissants from scratch, learn the art of flambé, roll my own sushi,  roast my own coffee beans, and jam my own jams with fruit that I grew in my own backyard.

(rows of my unpublished journals)

(getting busy in the kitchen on Thanksgiving)

As far as fitness, I went to yoga classes when I was pregnant and that was great! It did wonders for my back, which was wracked with sciatica the entire duration of my pregnancy. I used to go for runs and walks daily, and then I got pregnant and after a day of work could barely stand, let alone run. The nine months I was pregnant were far less than enjoyable, but I got something so beautiful out of it, even though I had to give up my daily walks and runs. Trade offs.

(me on a hike, two summers ago)

But that's not all. No, that's not all. I want to travel the world. Who doesn't, right? I want to quench my wanderlust by spending a month in Spain, island hopping around Hawaii, teaching at an English kindergarten in Dubai, volunteering at an orphanage in Africa and vacationing with the Hubby in French Polynesia. But who has the money for that with diapers and gripe water draining my account before my mat leave check even clears?

(picture of me on a map in the Caribbean, on what we didn't know would be our last pre-baby vacation.)

(picture I took on the beach in the Bahamas)

(riding a donkey in the Virgin Islands)

On top of all that (most important these days) I want to be a fantastic mom. And sometimes I feel that in order to be this one thing, I must be all the others. I must be fulfilled. I must be able to inspire my son with my art, whip up delicious meals for him and his friends at a moment's notice, tell him stories of all the places I've been and bring him along for some trips of his own. Teach him the power of growing things with his own hands and know that his fruit and vegetables were grown with love and without pesticides.

Is this what my little boy expects of me? I do not want to be that mom who is all talk and no action. I do not want to be that mom who takes their kid to the same dumpy little vacation spot two hours away every year, who allows their child to reach the age of 18 never having left the province. I do not want to be that mom who can only hand out premixed pillsbury cookies at the school bake sale, and only provides microwave popcorn as an after school snack.  I don't want to be that mom who never quite figures out how to balance home and work, so she isn't very good at either.

I tell myself there is time. I am young. I am a mom, but my life does not end here. I can still do. I can still be. Right now I breastfeed, change diapers and wipe up spit-up round the clock, but that doesn't mean that's all there ever will be. The most important thing for me to show my son, beyond art, beyond Africa, is love. And that I have in spades. It is inherent in every diaper I change, every ounce of milk I give my kid, and every time I lovingly wipe spit up off his chins. Nothing matters more than that.

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