Resentment

That's right, I said it.
I have to admit that I resent the fact that 4 days a week, The Hubbs gets to wake up, shower (something which has only been a fantasy for me the past three days), get dressed and go off to an institution of higher learning. While I am stuck here, in this apartment, wearing a t-shirt for a dress and having to harness all my creative powers to be able to find five minutes to make a bagel or brush my teeth.

The other thing is, The Hubbs always leaves at least an hour earlier than he needs to. That means, if class is at 11:00, he has to get there for 10:00--at least. Imagine loving what you do with your days enough that you would actually want to be there early every day? I would accuse him of doing it just to get out of baby-duty, but he's been doing this since before Our Sweet Baboo was born. He really just takes school seriously, which is important. We are counting on him to do well in order for us to live. He needs to get straights A's (which he has) in order to get into the grad school of our choice. There are several other schools that will accept a B-plus average, but anything short of that and I can kiss the dream of being married to a PhD or "doctor" as Ross on Friends would say, good-bye.

I don't begrudge him his happiness. Just because now that Baboo's here I have to do school through a computer in my living room instead of getting to go out and interact with people doesn't mean I'm bitter. Just because I'm on maternity leave and have no work colleagues to talk to doesn't mean I'm bitter. Just because I signed up for a mom and baby book club at the library, which was my only hope for adult interaction, and I just found out that its cancelled doesn't mean I'm bitter. JUST BECAUSE MY ENTIRE LIFE TAKES PLACE IN THIS TINY APARTMENT THAT'S DECORATED LIKE THE TOY SECTION OF WAL MART WITH MY ONLY COMPANION A TEENY TINY PERSON WHO CAN ONLY COMMUNICATE THROUGH COOS AND CRIES DOESN"T MEAN I'M BITTER!

Okay. Glad I got that out. I love my son. I love him. And I am so grateful that my maternity leave lasts a year, I am so fortunate to live in Canada where I have the opportunity to basically get paid to be a stay at home mommy for a year. I know I would have been devastated to have to go back to work at 6 weeks or even 3 months like a lot of my American friends. I do not want to look a gift-horse in the mouth. All I'm saying is that I need to get out of this apartment. My only friends are my husband and my mom. It's sad.
I need a reason to have a shower, get dressed, maybe even throw on a little make-up. I don't think I've even seen my make-up bag since we moved.

I need a life. I need a life before I go bat shit nuts.

That is all.