I need a bigger bed

>> Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Okay. It is 4:04 a.m., and I have been awake since 2:00 when Baboo woke up and demanded milk. He went back to sleep at 2:30, and I continued to "toss" and "turn" (as much as is possible in a tiny bed with two other people) until 3:45, when I decided to take my son and go sleep on the futon in the living room. Our bed is just too small. (I can't believe The Hubbs still hasn't noticed we're gone--this doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the case of a kidnapping.)

                                                                (what our bed feels like)                                                      

 It's not just the tinyness of the bed that's bothering me, though. I was just lying awake, thinking about everything that we need to do, and it was really freaking me out. Repair the car. Fill out yet ANOTHER form for our taxes (never do your taxes yourself unless you actually know what you're doing--also don't wait 3 years and then file all years at once), finish a course and a paper, return LONG overdue library books to my school (I'm talking a month and a half--I probably owe $80 in fines), book Baboo's Christening, get back to my old boss about working one day a week. The list just goes on and on and on. I am so anxious. And I've been having pangs of depression lately, too. Just fleeting ones--they last a minute tops. But still. I am worried about PPD. My mom had it. I have a history of depression and was medicated for it for 5 years before finding out I was pregnant with Baboo (who as I type this is sitting in my lap either farting or crapping, I can't tell which, but it's hysterical in an unpleasant sort of way). In fact I'm still medicated for it--I started the drugs again the last week of my pregnancy, when I knew that there was no longer a risk of Our Sweet Baboo developing a dependency to it. But I'm on half my regular dosage, my doctor and I were trying to wean me off it, and I'm worried that half may not be cutting it anymore.

I mentioned this to her at my post partum follow-up appointment, but she didn't seem to concerned. She thinks I'm just adjusting to motherhood, dealing with my feelings of being cooped up in the house all day, and reacting to all that I need to do but don't have the energy for. She may be right. Just organizing myself and taking control of the reigns might help. I know something needs to be done, though--I haven't slept through the night since my first trimester and I'm having insomnia, so that shows that something really must be bothering me. I've gotta get on that. After I change this kid's stinky bum and try to convince him to go back to sleep.



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