Let's talk about Fear

>> Thursday, November 5, 2009

Let's talk about fears. One of mine is that my son is going to grow up and leave me. I know that sounds ridiculous, because of course he's going to grow up, and of course he's going to leave. I want him to do that. I want him to graduate high school, go to post-secondary school or pursue a passion some other way, meet someone he loves, and have a normal, fulfilling adult life.

I am fine with him moving out when he's 18 (at least right now I am). I am fine with him getting married at whatever age he chooses to get married (after high school). I just want him to be happy.

What I am talking about is the fear that this saying is true: "A son's a son til he meets his wife, but a daughter's a daughter all her life."

It's a silly, stupid rhyme, for God's sake, but every time I hear/think/read about it, it kills me a little inside. I think about the many ways this scenario could play out. He could meet a woman from an exotic location and they could move there together. Okay, fine, as long as he doesn't mind me coming along too. Kidding.
If they move to an exotic locale, and her parents live there, then for the holidays I expect them to come see us. Because, after all, her parents get them all the time, its only fair.

But what if they move far away, and its not close to either her parents or The Hubbs and I? Then we have to alternate holidays. But what if she is unreasonable, and wants to see her parents for every holiday, leaving The Hubbs and I in the dust? Well, then we can visit them. But what if she is unreasonable and doesn't want us to visit them? Or what if we have two sons, and they both move far away, but in opposite directions, and then we can never have our whole family together? Or what if her parents live in Hawaii, and we live in stupid, cold Canada, and they always go there because, hey, its Hawaii?

I'm not unreasonable. If I could choose (and I know that I can't), I would want Baboo to move an hour or two away from us. Far enough so that he gets his independence, but close enough so we can still see each other every month or so. I don't want to live in his backyard, I don't want to cramp his style, and I certainly don't want him bringing over his laundry for me to wash.

I guess I am just afraid of losing him. I think this might be because of The Hubby's non-relationship with his mother and step-father. Ever since he started dating me and it became clear that it was serious, they were crazy controlling. I have to try to stop myself from thinking about it, because when I do I get extremely angry. They called my parents and said horrible lies about their own son so that my parents would convince me not to marry him (my parents told them off, saying that if he does have problems, its because he obviously has zero support from them), they turned his entire extended family against us by flat out telling them they had to choose between us and them, they would come by our home and spy on us, and that's only the tip of the iceburg. This harassment is a large part of the reason we moved across the country to get away from them. He hasn't spoken to them in almost two years now, and they have never met our son.

I guess I am paranoid that the same thing could happen with Boo, although I'm hoping that this paranoia will work to my advantage and that I will go out of my way to be a wonderful mother and mother in law so as not to make the same mistakes. Plus, the biggest problem between the Hubbs and his parents is that they dont respect him. It all boils down to that. And we have lots of respect for our son--we have it in spades. We respect his feelings and his rights, and we understand that he is a person, his own person, and that we need to consider that with our actions and the decisions we make for him.

So I don't need to be worried, right? I do not want to be one of those creepy moms who cannot cut the cord from her son. I am not trying to raise a Mama's boy. I just want, would be thrilled with, a warm and respectful relationship with him. There will be boundaries--I will respect his privacy and he doesn't have to tell me everything. But I would hope that he also knows that I will be there for him no matter what, and that he can tell me anything without fear of losing my love.

I also hope that his wife and I can have a good relationship. Of course I have dreams of her being like a daughter to me, but real life has taught me that that might not be possible. If she doesn't want that, then I at least hope we can be honest and friendly with each other. We both love the same boy, so we should at least be able to make peace over that.

If what I went throught with the H's parents will prevent me from making the same mistakes with my own son and whoever he chooses to marry, it will be totally worth it to me. I would not mind at all, all the heartache and suffering that they have caused me, if it meant that I would be the opposite of everything that they are, and that my son would not feel the need to put several thousand kilometres between us.

So, I guess this is a thank you to the Hubb's parents for being so fantastically douche-tastic. When in doubt as a parent, I will ask myself "What would the in-laws do?" And then do the opposite.



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