The Plague

>> Saturday, January 8, 2011

There is a decision I am years away from making. I know that I don't need to think about it right now, that I don't need to decide right now, that anything could happen over the next few years to tip the scales in one direction or another. I know this. But I can't stop thinking about it. It's consuming my thoughts. I dream about it at night. I go back and forth SEVERAL TIMES A DAY on what my decision will be. I kid you not, in the morning I am set in my resolve to do one thing, and by the afternoon I am equally resolved to do the opposite. This decision is something that other people seem to just instinctively know. But I don't, I really don't. This is the question. This is the dilemma:

Will we have any more kids?

I'm a planner. I like to plan. And we had a plan. A good one. It was that we'd finish school, get established in our careers, travel, buy a home, and then at 28 we would have a baby. Then we'd have another one almost immediately, resulting in two under two.

What is that saying about the best laid plans?

We had our son way earlier than we'd planned. About five years earlier, to be exact. So of course everything else fell out of sync, and the plan went with it. Right out the window. The Hubbs still isn't finished school. Neither of us have started our careers, because I'm home with our son. There's no time or money to travel right now, and we may have our home somewhere between the ages of 30 and 35 (5 to 10 years from now, if you aren't keeping track).

Money is a huge issue. They say it makes the world go round, but it also has the power to stop your world in its tracks, if you don't have it. And we don't. We can't financially manage to bring another kid into the world right now. But even when I do finally find a job, the Hubbs doesn't think he wants to have any more kids while he's in school. Did I mention that he's going for his PhD, and will be in school for 6 more years? That would be one hell of an age gap. Do I want to have my children be six years apart? Do I want to start ALL OVER with the breastfeeding and the diaper changing and the never sleeping through the night for years and years?

Unfortunately, my relationship with my own sibling is fraught, and that plays into my ambivalence quite a bit. I just don't know if I want to bring another child into our home who My Sweet Baboo may not get along with. What if they are like night and day? What if they can't stand each other? What if all they do is fight, and I spend the rest of my life being a referee instead of a mother?

What if Baboo is lonely? What if he has no one to play with? What if our vacations suck because there's no one around to do kid stuff with? What if he doesn't get married and have children of his own, and then the Hubbs and I die and he is just totally alone?

What if I bring a potential enemy of our child into our home? What if I deprive him of a best friend for life? I just don't know. I can't predict how my current child will turn out, and I have no idea who my next one will be either. It is a total crapshoot. I can't have another kid with the expectation that they will be a playmate and friend for my son.

So the question is, do I want another child? Not do I want my son to have a playmate and friend, but do I want another kid?

And the answer is, I don't know.

1 comments:

KeLLy aNN January 8, 2011 at 4:51 PM  

My oldest is 21 on Monday.
My middle one is 9 {10 in march}
My baby just made 5
I'm 43.

I was a single parent, no child support with the oldest. I went from working full time to part time and going to school. I did the parent thing first then education.
We made it.

I'm married and at home now.
The two little ones ADORE the older one, he adores them too, and sometimes they get on each others nerves.
The two youngest ones, argue as much as they play together.

Money will ALWAYS be an issue, but in my humble onion, it's better to do it now than later. You're already at home.
Have the baby. In two years, the baby will be non diaper, non formula, just another little dna unit that can eat regular food and communicate. By the time Hubbs is out of school, the little ones will be in school {ours are in a public magnet school so no tuition}. Then the House.
At some point in between you get your job. I have found that if you spread it out, it will work. Kids, School, House.
hmmm, kids love school house rock..

it's all good.

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