Train Wreck

>> Saturday, April 2, 2011

When things aren't going great, I have a tendency to hide. I stop returning phone calls from friends and family. I avoid facebook. I even shy away from the blog. The main reason is that I often feel like everybody's life is going better than mine. I am jealous, but more than that, I am embarassed. I don't want people to look at me and think "what a train wreck," or "thank God that's not me." I have realized lately, though, that this is probably the main reason why aside from my husband, I am essentially alone.

People have tried to befriend me, but I am too ashamed to let them into my life. I don't want them to know that our housing is subsidized, so I don't invite them over. I don't want to answer questions about how I'm doing, so I just don't call them back. I'm sure they are offended by my lack of reciprocity, but the fact is, I just always feel like I have nothing to offer and nothing to say. I don't want to return someone's call and be a total bummer about the fact that my life is totally out of my control. I don't want to be the friend they pity.

My life embarasses me. My job embarasses me. I don't want people to know that I got a degree and have a degrading, minimum wage job. I don't want them to know that we have no money, yet are on our SECOND unplanned pregnancy. I don't want them to know that our car was costing us too much money in constant repairs, so we are stuck taking the bus until we can save up for another. I don't want them to know how bad I feel about my life. That everything in it is completely out of control. That I am trying desperately to remain positive but I am mainly miserable. And so I'm basically alone.

I have no friends. I would never reach out to family for help, mainly because they all have their own problems and likely couldn't help me anyway. I am sad to say that I honestly have next to no prospects for who will watch my son when I'm at the hospital having our next baby. I felt like I was finally starting to make a few friends in my sewing class, but then I found out I was pregnant and had to quit that so I could start working. I was too embarassed to explain the situation, so I'm pretty sure they all think I just dropped off the face of the earth.

I really don't know what the point of this blog post is. I'm depressed. I'm exhausted. I am tired of taking care of a toddler all day, and then going to work all evening, and I have no idea how I am going to manage to do this for the remainder of my pregnancy. It doesn't help that I have to take the bus there and back--and hour (and two buses) each way, for a place that is ten minutes away by car. I am sick of feeling queasy. I'm sick of the fact that my hips and my back still hurt SO BAD  from when I was pregnant the last time, and now they are just getting worse. I'm sick of standing on my feet all day and torturing my body for what amouts to a desperately needed pittance.

But more than that, I'm scared. I'm scared because nothing in my life ever goes as planned. I'm scared that no matter how responsible I am, how conscientious, how hard I try or how much I work, nothing will ever turn out the way I want it to. I'm afraid that the rest of my life will just be me dealing with a bunch of roadblocks and setbacks, and never getting where I want to go or being able to do what I want to do. I'm terrified because I don't think I'm strong enough to live that life. And because if that is what it is going to be, I'm not sure that I want to keep going, and yet I have no choice.

2 comments:

KeLLy aNN April 25, 2011 at 7:27 AM  

It's alright. It's a rather "normal" phase in life. I'm going through a lot of that now {again}, and I'm 44 with two kids at home, a mortgage, my car just went in the shop today AGAIN. The vast circle of friends I had either moved, and a couple went the route of the fall out. I have no desire to make new friends, and I hardly talk to the few I have left. I like my solitary time.
The Hubs is the one working and although he's been a cop for 25 years, it's a civil servant job which means very modest means and they just jacked us on insurance again, now adding a seriously high deductible for DOCTORS visits, along with the deductible for prescriptions;. Thank goodness for extra duty.
When my oldest {21} was little, I was a single mom. I went 3 months without a car while I had a full time job. My mom or dad would pick us up in the morn and evening. My neighbors did my grocery shopping.
It was rough. We made it through. You will too. Every day that goes by you get that much closer to your goals. And your goals could be as simple and treating your self to a day at the coffee shop and a good book. It's the pressure your putting on your self that's the humdinger.

Cheer up, love...it will happen

This one always cheers me up, since I was little girl
Make the words your mantra~

I Can See Clearly Now ~ Johnny Nash

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